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World's Smartest Inventions 3 transcript
narrator:Tonight... announcer: Here's Johnny-Light, the night-light for your toilet. narrator: ... 20 revolutionaryproducts that willchange your life forever.announcer: The elegant gobletthat holds an entirebottle of wine.woman: Where has this beenall my life ?narrator: Innovationsfor the kitchen.announcer: The RoboStir,it stirs so you don't have to.narrator: Inventions inthe bathroom.announcer: It's Talking TP.man: Oh, want a receiptfor that deposit there ?(woman laughing)narrator: And even advancementsin the bedroom.announcer: IntroducingDreamhelmet:part sleep mask, part pillow.man: Get it off, get it off !narrator: Items you neverknew you wanted...announcer: Introducing Daddle,the saddle for dads.(man neighing)narrator: ... or needed.announcer: With a FAST Holster,you can mount a gunjust about anywhere.man: But will it hold my *** ?narrator: Just listen to whatthese satisfied celebritycustomers have to say.(Todd mumbling)Tonya: That's a good idea.narrator: It's "The Smoking Gun"Presents: The World'sSmartest Inventions."Order now.(commentator groaning)Closed Captions Provided by truTVannouncer: Gorgeous top,but which bra will you wear ?Too many straps.That one gives you bulgesand this one lets you down.Introducing BareLifts,the world's first instantinvisible solutionfor perfect shape and support.Jaime: What is thismagical product ?announcer: Unlike uncomfortablepush-up bras,BareLifts lift from abovefor a more natural look,so you defy gravitywithout surgery.Jaime: Oh, it's-- it's tape.Leif: Simple solutionto droopy ***.Bryan: BareLifts, yuck.Those are for poor girls whocan't afford fake ***.announcer: BareLifts make youlook fantasticin everything you wear,whether you're cup size"A," "B," "C," even "D."Mike: Yeah, works with "D" cups.I'll believe it when I see it.Loni: I need more than a lift.I need a crane.Nick: Do they make thesefor testicles ?'Cause in another two years,I'm not gonna have to shinemy own shoes.announcer: Simply place, peeland gently liftto shape and supportfor a measurable difference.Todd: Oh, look at that !It's crooked !man: This *** is 17.This one is about 40.Billy: Wanted: actress forinfomercial.Must have extremelydroopy ***.announcer: Wear with your brafor even more lift.Kevin: Like I always say,you can never have too muchstuff on your ***.woman: Thanks to BareLifts,I can stop doing this.woman: You know, I loveBareLifts.I know you can't tell, but I'mwearing them right now.announcer: BareLifts' pain-freeadhesive gives you invisiblesupport all day.Chuck: Now, after that,it's hello "Flopsville."announcer: Call right now andwe'll cut the price in half,but we're not done !We're going to give youdouble the lifts.Chelsea: Please, take theselifts.We'll give them to you,where do you live ?We need to move these*** lifts.announcer: A $40-valuefor just $10.Call now.Ted: I've been telling any womenwho'll listen to duct-tapesensitive parts of their bodies.announcer: We all love our dogs,but there are times you justwish you could turn offtheir barking.Well, now you can with BarkOff,the ingenious ultrasonictraining aid that finallygives you controlover your dog's barking.Kevin: Hey, would you like toelectronicallybrainwash your dog ?We thought so.Brad: You could alsojust get a cat...(cat meowing)... instead.announcer: When you'd preferthat your dog didn't bark,simply switch on the BarkOff,and when your dog does bark,it sets off an ultrasonic signalthat's inaudible to human earsbut instantly capturesyour dog's attention.John: What people don't know iswhat actually the dogs hearand it sounds a little bitlike this:Shut the (bleep) up,you stupid mother(bleep) dog !Chuck: Just stop it !I swear, I won't-- I won't barkanymore, just stop it, please.announcer: You can placeBarkOff in any room in yourhouse or even outsideso you can enjoypeace and quietand the company of your dog.Nick: I want to get one of thesefor my wife.I'm trying to watchthe ball game--yappity-yappity-yapp--commentator: Ah !announcer: BarkOff teaches yourdog the difference betweennuisance barkingand barking that protects.Kevin: I bet when you talk,a lot of people think,"Oh, that's nuisance talkingright there,"but no one electronicallytries to shut you up.Daisy: That dog is trying towarn you about the man sneakinginto your living room.Todd: Shut the hell up !Tonya: Enough is enough !Todd: Stop barking !Tonya: Ahh!announcer: The amazing BarkOffgives you control overwhen your dog barks,so he can enjoy beingpart of the family again.Kevin: Are they saying thatthe dog barked and then theykicked it out of the family ?Someone needs to adoptthis dog... fast.announcer: Now you can finallytake control withthe pet-friendly BarkOfffor just two payments of $10.But you have to call now.man: This is whatI use for my dog.Hey, Joey, shut up, will you ?Joey, shut up.Here's the BarkOff.Shut the (bleep) up !Thank you.(dog whimpering)announcer: Did you knowjumping rope for justten minutescan burn as many caloriesas running for half an hour ?So why isn't everybodyjumping rope ?Because it's too hard !Daisy: Seriously, who's gotthe coordination to learnhow to jump rope ?Except for everythird-grader in America.announcer: Introducingthe JumpSnap,the world's first and onlyrope-less jump rope system !Without the rope to trip you up,now you too cantrain like a pro.Kevin: 'Cause I've always saidthe big problem with jumpingrope is the rope.Loni: No jump rope.How are we supposed toDouble Dutch ?John: Testing, testing.Oh !announcer: Thanks tothe JumpSnap, people everywhereare jumping off the poundsin a snap !Ted: JumpSnap is great,but in my system,you just have to imagine thatyou're already thin.Chuck: Feel it !Feel that burn!Oh, I could do this all day.man: See how easy it is ?Am I doing this correctly ?Danny: Maybe it's working outmy wrists.But I can think of better waysto work out my wrists.(rim shot)announcer: JumpSnap comesequipped withan onboard computerthat makes a snap soundjust like the ropeto keep you in rhythm.Kevin: Why ?You trying tofool blind people ?What's the point ?announcer: It even speaks to youto keep you motivatedand on track.woman: 1-1-5-1 calories.announcer: Just likea personal trainer.Billy: Provided your personaltrainer talks like this:1-1-2 calories.Beep, beep.Which mine does.Mike: I can't do anymore !I've done all I can !Oh, God, it burns !commentator: You can do it !Mike: Thanks, robot voice.Okay, now I'm ready.commentator: Little *** !announcer: The JumpSnap,the world's first and onlyrope-less jump rope system.Chuck: Aw, yeah.Oh, yeah, that's good.Feel the burn, baby.commentator: You can do it !narrator: Coming up,a bedroom aide.(farting)Kevin: Oh, this'll be perfectfor my bed-farting !narrator: And...announcer: The world's onlydancer pole that can be attachedto the ball hitchof a truck or SUV.Loni: Just what we need.Drive-by stripping.narrator: Plus...announcer: Introducingthe Carstache, the first andonly fake moustachemade specifically for cars.Daisy: Stop.Stop the hilarity.narrator: And later...announcer: Now, with Cuchini,you can say good-bye tothe dreaded camel toe.Ted: In my experience,not a good gift for yourmother-in-law.narrator: When "World's SmartestInventions" continues.announcer: It's the problem inthe marriage bed that no onelikes to talk about.Maybe that's why they call itsilent but deadly.Well, now there's a realsolution to a very real problem.Introducingthe Better Marriage Blanket.Loni: I need one of thoseand I'm not married.announcer: On the outside,the Better Marriage Blanketlooks and feels just likea soft, warm comforter,but on the inside, it containsa layer of activatedcarbon fabric.Kevin: Oh, this'll be perfectfor my bed-farting !Mike: I'm just gonna stickwith my existing techniqueof trying to smell the entirefart before anyone else can.announcer: Even when usedon top of bedsheets,offending molecules are absorbedbefore anyoneknows they're there.Daisy: Why is it always the dudewho has the problem ?(farting)John: Mother of God, what the(bleep) died inside of you ?Tonya: Wives don't fart.No, no, we toot.announcer: The Better MarriageBlanket contains the same typeof fabric used by the militaryto protect againstchemical weapons.Judy: I'm thinking the troopsaren't hiding undera fart blanket when they finda chemical weapon.Billy: I went right out and gotthe Better Marriage Blanket,not because we have a nighttimeflatulence problemin our household,but because my wife has beenattacking me withchemical weapons.announcer: Flatulence moleculeseasily pass throughthe cotton shelland are harmlessly absorbed intothe layer of carbon fabric.Chelsea: How...Where do the (bleep)particles go ?Nick: When you hang it outsideand beat it with a broom,do you hear--(blowing raspberry)announcer: So whether you oryour spouse suffersfrom a health issueof just the occasionaldisagreeable meal,you owe it to your marriage totry the Better Marriage Blanket.Loni: See, that's whyI like to stay single.Just let it fly.Let them airs out.announcer: It makes a greatwedding giftor anniversary gift, too.Daniel: According to etiquette,the traditionalfifth-anniversary presentis a fart blanket.Chelsea: Happy anniversary !I hate you.announcer: There's a realsolution to a very real problem.Order now.(bleep)John: Don't aim it at me,turn the other way.Don't-- don't--Turn the other way.announcer: Wine lovers,do you hate waiting to getyour glass topped off ?Are you sick of missing out ongreat conversationsjust to get a refill ?Are you tired of allthe whispers and disapprovingglances every time youfreshen your drink ?You can put all that behind youwith the Giant Wine Glass.The elegant goblet that holdsan entire bottle of wine.Loni: Where has this beenall my life ?Jaime: For the person who loveswine, but hates sharing.Michael: This holdsa bottle of wine ?♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo... ♪I'm a wino.Wow.That's a bottle of wine.announcer: It's the breakthroughthat's taking the world of wineby storm.commentator: Yeah !So good, definitely !Judy: Okay, this is thestupidest thing I've ever seen.(slurring)I just want to say,out of all the inventions,this is my favorite invention.announcer: Quit making endlesstrips to the fridge for refills.Kevin: If you're the kind ofperson who hates refillingyour wine that much,my guess is you probablydon't even pour itout of the bottle first.commentator: I'm not getting outof this chair all night.Ha-ha !Danny: It's also reallyconvenient,'cause at the end of the night,you can use it to vomit into.(Leif laughing)Nick: I started drinking thislast Thursday.I'm almost finished.Ted: Oh, no, honey, I'm good.This'll do me.Chelsea: Whose bedroom is this ?I just had one glass of wine !announcer: So stop whiningand start wining !With the Giant Wine Glass.Mike: Just one glass for metonight, I'm driving !announcer: Oh, no, notthe dreaded camel toe again !Christy: Hi, I'm Christy Sugrue.Kelly: And I'm Kelly Heyniger.Christy: And we arethe inventors ofthe original Cuchini.Loni: Cuchini !Sound like somethingyou put on pizza.Kelly: As South Florida girls,we spend a lot of timein our bathing suitsand we are sick and tired of menpointing out our visible...both: Camel toe.Christy: We decided somethingmust be done.Rob: Because after all,vaginas are terrifyingand should be hidden.Mike: Fellas, stop pointing outthe camel toes !The girls are noticing and nowthey're inventing (bleep).Christy: The Cuchini pad adheresto the inside of the garment.Just peel, place and wow !A smooth and camouflagedsolution.Chelsea: I hope people thinkI don't have a ***.Ding!Jaime: There's nothing likea piece of plastic in yourcrotch to make youfeel like a woman.Tonya: Just put a pad in.Ted: Weirdly, in my experience,not a good gift for yourmother-in-law.Kelly: And although today's fadsleaves us with no bush forthe cush, so to speak,we have invented a confidentand comfortable solution.both: The Cuchini.Daisy: No bush for the cush ?Not my problem, ladies.I got enough for two,two Cuchinis.Judy: You know, this andBareLifts, I could be a model.Christy: Now, ladies,you have a choice.You can say noto the dreaded camel toe.Bryan: You say "camel toe,"I say "***."Michael: Don't take camel toeaway from me, okay ?Whale tail and camel toe.The animal kingdommakes my world a better place.Kelly: The Cuchini.both: Because some secretsare meant to be kept.Mike: What's the secret ?That you have a *** ?We know.Loni: Can I have a six-pack ofCuchinis, please ?I don't have camel toe.I have elephant hoof.(elephant trumpeting)girls: Say no to camel toe !announcer: Nothing is moreimportant in a child'searly yearsthan parental bonding.But it's hard to keep up withall that youthful energy.man: Oh, my back !announcer: Introducing Daddle,the saddle for dads.Jaime: When a piggyback ridejust isn't enough,you need to let your child knowjust how much they own you.Danny: We had a name for thisinventions when I was growing up.It was called a pillow.announcer: Simply placethe Daddle on your backand fasten the straparound your midsection.Make sure your child hasa good grip on the soft pommel.After that, it's time to ride.girl: Go, Daddy, go, Daddy,go faster !Mike B.: When you ask your kid,"You want a horsey-back ride ?"It's bareback, damn it.You don't punk it upwith a saddle.Nick: Do I have towear this on my back ?announcer: The ergonomic designreduces stressand strain on your spine,making the experience rewardingfor both father and child.Loni: How is thisa great gift for Dad ?Bryan: Thanks, Daddle.Now I can finally be the horseto my children I've alwayswanted to be.announcer: The Daddle's plushtop provides a comfortable seatfor kids ages two to sixand stirrups for safety.Tonya: Oh, this is so cute.I mean, I'll just put it onthe dog.Call it the Doggle.announcer: Daddlesaren't just for dads.Mom can saddle up to.Rodger: And daddies canDaddle with Mommy.Loni: Do they make adult size ?announcer: So quit horsingaround, order yours today.Jaime: Some of my fondestmemories ofsaddling up old Dad,taking him for a ridearound the yard.Giddy up !narrator: Coming up...announcer: Johnny-Light,the night-light for your toilet.Nick: Edison would be proud.narrator: And...announcer: Skyrest, the world'smost versatile inflatabletravel pillow.Daniel: Best of all, the Skyrestdoubles as a flotation device.narrator: Plus...announcer: The Flexawayfacial exerciser, guaranteed torejuvenate your face.Billy: What aboutjust doing this ?narrator: When "The World'sSmartest Inventions" continues.announcer: Tired of the sameold workout ?Running in place on an ordinarytreadmill is boring.But now there's a better way.Introducing theSpeedfit Treadmobile vehicle,the world's firsttreadmill on wheels.Bryan: Speedfit, finally.In case you want to run-drive.Rob: I like to run nearthe ground, but not on it.Danny: This isn'ta new invention.This is exactly howFred Flintstone got around.announcer: Speedfit lets youenjoy all the benefits ofa traditional treadmillwhile savoring the sights andsounds of the great outdoors.(commentator grunting)Mike T.: I like jogging, but Iwish it required me to buyelaborate machinery.Kevin: They basically createda car that's permanentlyout of gas.Chelsea: Where are all the shotsof neighbors pointingand laughing ?(commentator laughing)announcer: With its temperedsteel chassisand shock-resistant tires,Speedfit goes whereveryou want it to.Jaime: 'Cause just running tothe store isn't enough.Be cumbersome about it.Loni: If you have an exercisemachine and you need a driver'slicence to operate it,let it go.(commentator groaning)announcer: Speedfit comes withan optional tandem strapto share your workoutwith a friend.Mike T.: Now you can simulatebeing endlessly chased forever.John: Whoo !I'm breaking a sweat.Bryan: I don't know, man.announcer: Speedfit,the fantastic inventionthat's turning Americafrom a fat countryinto a fit country.Billy: You could just walk,of course.Which-- which I invented,by the way.announcer: Are you looking foran end to the battle ofthe sexes in the bathroom ?woman: (screaming)Why'd you turn the light on ?man: I'm just going tothe bathroom !announcer: Are you one ofthe 49,000 Americans injured bytheir toilet each year ?woman: Albert !John: I've never been attackedby a toilet, ever in my life.I dominate toilets.announcer: The patentedJohnny-Light, priced under $14,is a soft-green night-lightactivated byraising the commode seat.Nick: Edison would be proud.Guy invents a light bulb,we use it as a homing deviceto take a poopat 3:00 in the morning.Frank: Well, why don't you justturn the (bleep) light on ?announcer: Have you suffered anembarrassing nighttimesplashdown ?woman: Albert !Albert, I'll get you !Ted: I might pee on the seat tooif I was married to thathomicidal 80-year-old.Mike B.: How about, ladies,you go in there and make surethat the runway is there beforeyou bring the plane down ?Loni: Big *** can't fit inthe toilet, so it don't matter.announcer: The Johnny-Lightworks in family bathroomsand unisex corporate washrooms.Chuck: There's nothing betterthan looking upon my leavingsin the soft green hueof a Johnny-Light.Judy: The radioactive greenreally makes your *** lookextra special.announcer: The Johnny-Light,it enhances gender respect,family harmony,hygiene and safety.woman: No broken hipfor Grandma !Loni: Oh, please show Grandmaagain.That was funny.Please.woman: No broken hipfor Grandma !Billy: Oh, Grandma.Do not speak too soon.announcer: To order aJohnny-Light, dial toll free.Cheaper than a marriagecounselor.Mike T.: All me and my wife dois yell at each other.I can't (bleep)stand to look at her.We need help !I'm calling Johnny-Light.announcer: Can't get comfortablein that airplane seat ?Tired of shifting and squirmingall flight long ?Introducing Skyrest,the worldès most versatileinflatable travel pillow.Kevin: You know, it might beless distractingto just bring a king-sizemattress on the plane.announcer: Skyrest fits inany carry-on bag.Daniel: Best of all,in the event of a water landing,the Skyrest doublesas a flotation device.announcer: Its patented one-wayvalve makes inflation a breeze.Leif: Okay.Frank: Yeah, man,I'm a musician.Yeah, I travel, I'm an actor.Leif: I'm gonna go now.Nick: I can't wait to get tothe Funny Bone in Iowa.Daisy: This is great and all,but I really am looking fora cushion to absorbmy farts on planes.announcer: Skyrest is designedspecifically for sleeping inthe upright position,meaning you'll be able tonap comfortablyand without interruption.Kevin: I wonder how manyinstances of, like, two peopleusing this on a planehave ended in, like,accidentally making out.Judy: Mike, can you move your(bleep) face awayfrom my face ?Mike T.: Why don't you get yourface away from me ?It's a two-way street,Judy Gold !announcer: Order todayand experience in-flight comfortlike never before.man: Call me when this thing canadd six inches of legroom.Danny: I don't really need oneof these, 'cause my girlfriendhas giant ***.woman: Are you almost done withthe interview ?Danny: Yes, dear.announcer: Do you seeworry lines, sagging jowlsor a double chin every timeyou look in the mirror ?If so, you're not alone.Gravity and advancing agetake their toll on all of us.Introducing theFlexaway Facial Exerciser,the new workout systemguaranteed torejuvenate your face.Judy: Yeah, don't dietand don't exercise, just putthis (bleep) thingin your mouth.announcer: Flexaway isincredibly easy to use.First, insert it in your mouth,keep holding the button shaftsoutside your mouthwhile inserting only the shieldalong the outsideof your molars.Loni: I'm confused.announcer: Slide your lower jawforward and push the buttonshafts as far as you can towardsthe center of your mouth,forming the letter "O"with your lips.Loni: There's too many damndirections.announcer: Bingo !You've just done one sessionwith very little time or effort.Chelsea: Hmm, 'cause I was gonnasay it seemed likea lot of effort.Billy: What about justdoing this ?announcer: Two Flexaway workoutsa day will leave you lookingten, 15, even 20 years younger.Danny: Anything you do twicea day should be way more funthan this.announcer: Listen to theserevealing interviewswith satisfied customers.woman: When I first gotthe product, it was a littleuncomfortable to use,it took a while to get used to.Mike T.: Cut.What are you doing ?You just said itwas hard to use.man: I'd give it a nine.Definitely, definitely.And instead of a double chin,I now have a chin and a half.Billy: Honey, great news.I got a modeling job.I'm going to be"Turkey Neck Man"in a Flexaway infomercial.Marianne: I have a good facialexercise thathelps you lose weight."No thank you,I don't want dessert."Chuck: Dude, your cheekslook diesel.You been using Flexaway ?Bryan: Oh, my God, I feeltotally younger.I look younger, too.announcer: The Flexaway systemcan be yours for just $49 !Order now !Mike T.: See you later,gym membership !Daisy: I need this.But for, like, my butt.(rim shot)narrator: Coming up...announcer: Surprise your familyand friends with Talking TP.woman: This room isn'tsoundproofed.We can hear you all the wayin the den.Bryan: That's right, now you canwipe and laugh at the same time.narrator: Plus...announcer: Just ten minutes withHead Spa every daywill help you achievea Zen-like state of bliss.Rob: You'll feel so good aftera few minutes of this,you'll forget you're beinglaughed at.narrator: And sweet dreams...announcer: The AmazingDreamhelmet lets you sleep incars, trains, planes, buses.Tonya: Where the hell am I ?narrator: And later...announcer: With a FAST Holster,you can mount a gunjust about anywhere,out of sight, literallyin less than five minutes.Mike T.: Is it five minutes toapocalypse already ?narrator: When "World's SmartestInventions" continues.announcer: Surprise your familyand friends...woman: Don't look now,but the neighbors can see you.announcer: ... with yourunexpected bathroom messagewith Talking TP !Now, turn an ordinary tripto the bathroominto a laugh-filled surprisethey'll never forget !man: You want a receipt forthat deposit there ?Bryan: That's right, now you canwipe and laugh at the same time.Who doesn't want to do that ?Judy: God, you have a small(bleep).Brad: What the-- Hey, no!Who's...announcer: How does it work ?It's easy !Just record your message, placeit inside the toilet-paper rolland wait for the fun to begin.woman: This room isn'tsoundproofed.commentator: What ?woman: We can hear youall the way in the den.Ted: I just really love gettingmessages while pooping.Mike B.: When you go to thebathroom, you're not going thereto have fun.No, you're going thereto handle business.announcer: Use it asa message reminder.boy: Hey, Dad, can I havea raise in my allowance ?Marianne: I've got gonorrhea,and so do you !Todd: Too funny !Daisy: I'm leaving you.Mike T.: No !John: That's a lot of corn.( Judy laughing )Billy: What about recordinga political message ?Free Palestine.( commentator laughing )We need single pairhealthcare now.commentator: Oh !announcer: Teach your kidshygiene.woman: Don't forget to washyour hands, Susie.Susie: Okay, Mom.Jaime: Susie's got a badattitude.Maybe it's heroverbearing mother.Kevin: Kids never listen toparents, but they always listento talking toilet robots.announcer: Talking TP makesa great gift for any occasion.Hurry, order now, it's a blast !Danny: Come on, Bonaduce.Come on, push, push !(farting)announcer: Morning commutegetting you down ?Having trouble rememberingwhere you parked ?Finally, a brand-new productthat helps your carstand out in the crowd.Introducing the Carstache...... the first and onlyfake moustache madespecifically for cars.Marianne: Moustaches don't evenlook good on people.Daisy: Stop.Stop the hilarity.Frank: Just bought a $300,000Bentley,but something's missing.(bleep)Why didn't I think of that ?announcer: Carstache easilyattaches to the grillof any vehicleand gives your ride machismothat puts muscle cars to shame.(engine revving)Chuck: Is that Tom Selleckfollowing me ?Bryan: Those cars look likethey're bullfighters.Kevin: This is the first carI've ever seenthat looks like a sex offender.announcer: Choose from black,blonde, grey, orange,even hot pink.(engine revving)Mike T.: Even if we're operatingin the world where cars havemoustaches...(horns honking)... it still doesn't make anysense for it to be pink.announcer: With Carstache,all eyes are guaranteed to beon your automobile.commentator: Huh, look at that.Cars with moustaches.Where do youwant to go for lunch ?Billy: People's reaction tothe Carstacheseems to range from"oh" to "huh."announcer: Don't delay,order today.(tires screeching)Nick: If I saw one of thesecoming at me, honest to God,I'd go buy wax.You know how you key a car ?I'd wax the--announcer: Do your parties lacka certain pizazz ?Whish there was a way to spicethings up and keep all yourguests entertained ?Now you can give them anevening they'll never forgetwith the Platinum Stagesfreestandingportable dancer pole.Bryan: A portablestripper pole ?Now you can bring yourdaddy issues and low self-esteemanywhere.Danny: Does the pole come withthe girls ?announcer: This stand-alone poleis easy to assembleand can hold up to 250 pounds.John: I don't want to seeanybody 250 poundson a (bleep) pole.woman: The base comes witheight legs.The long legs go on the flatside and you can adjustthe footing as you go.Kevin: There's somethingterribly sad about a stripperwho has to build her own pole.woman: They go on the diagonalends of the star stage.Last one, this is quick.Loni: The way she putting thistogether, she don'tneed to be a stripper,she should bea contruction worker.woman: Go ahead and putthe collar on,and this is nice and flat.Mike T.: Yeah, you work thatAllen wrench.I want to be Allen right now.woman: Kick off your shoesand get ready to spin.Michael: She's upside down onit, it's holding her up.The only thing that could bebetter is if youcould put it on a truck.announcer: Introducingthe platinum hitch pole.Michael: What ?announcer: The world's onlydancer pole that can be attachedto the ball hitchof a truck or SUV.Loni: Just what we need.Drive-by stripping.Mike T.: Once you havethe stripper stage on the backof your pickup truck,you're gonna forgethow you ever lived withouta stripper stage on the back ofyour pickup truck.Daisy: It goes outside ?That's good.I hate it when my strippersits inside my truck.(horn honking)announcer: Platinum Stagesdancer poles.Call todayand get the party started.Brad: Order now and you geta free pregnancy test !announcer: Do you ever havetrouble sleeping ?This woman won't because she isusing the Amazing Dreamhelmet,a revolutionary combinationsleep mask and pillow,which blocks light and sound tolet you sleep anytime, anywhere.Billy: What is wrong witha good old-fashionedbag over the head ?Kevin: This looks reallycomfortable if you like beingsmothered in your sleep.announcer: The AmazingDreamhelmet lets you sleep incars, trains, planes, buses.Daisy: Subway stations,dumpsters, under a bridgenext to a river.Tonya: Where the hell am I ?announcer: Use it while readingor watching TV.Mike B.: How the hell youadvertise that you can use itwhen you're readingand watching TV ?You're a-freaking-sleep !announcer: Use it as a pillow.Use it as a ***.Danny: Don't tempt me.Brad: Get it off, get it off !I will not havea *** on my face.Michael: You know who's gonna beordering these ?People who take hostages.Chuck: Look, man, the moneyis in the safe, okay ?That's all I'm saying.The money is in the safe,the safe is unlocked.I haven't seenyour faces, now go.announcer: The secret pocketallows you to hide credit cardsand valuables.Kevin: Because who doesn't sleepwith their credit cards undertheier pillow ?Mike T.: Where's mysocial-security card--Oh, I left it inthe Dreamhelmet.Yes, of course.announcer: The AmazingDreamhelmet is available inthese attractive styles:adventurer, rain forest,teddy bear, cloud nine,blue heaven, executiveand the newest models, stars andstripes and victory.Jaime: Attractive indeed.Put me down for an adventurer !Billy: Oh, oh.Teddy bear.Frank: You probably--Desecrated the American flag.This...is blasphemous.announcer: To order the AmazingDreamhelmet, call now.Loni: Dreamhelmet.This is my Dreamhelmet.narrator: Coming up, morelife-enhancing inventions.announcer: *** Tube,the fast, easy and sanitary wayto potty trainwhile on the go.Judy: Seriously ?narrator: And...announcer: Kitty Wigs put yourfurry friend at the centerof attention.Mike T.: This isn't aninvention.It's just a smaller versionof a thing that exists.narrator: Plus...Anthony: Hi, Anthony Sullivanhere for RoboStir.It stirs so you don't have to.Mike T.: Way to take all purposeout of a woman's life.narrator: When "Worlds SmartestInventions" continues.announcer: Oh, no.Your little man has to go.But potty training in publicrestrooms is such a hassle.There's the mess.And the embarrassment.What to do ?Introducing *** Tube,the fast, easy and sanitary wayto potty train while on the go.Judy: Seriously ?Mike T.: *** Tube.There's another name for my*** I have to retire.Thanks a lot.announcer: Simply pop offthe plastic capsand place the *** tube overyour little man's little man.Rob: I'd like to helppotty train my son, but I haveno idea how to use a ***.Mike B.: Don't damage himpsychologicallyand slap a tube on him.announcer: No more poor aim.It's guaranteed to keep youand your son dry and confident.Frank: Let him just*** in his pants.He's four years old.Who cares ?announcer: When finished,simply wash the *** Tubeand recap until next time.It's just that easy.Leif: When-- when do you takehim off the-- the tube ?Or does this just work forthe rest of your life ?Ted: I still use my *** Tube.I'm using it right now.announcer: *** Tube fitseasily into any diaper bagor pocketbook.Todd: This is the *** Tubefor colored children.announcer: Order now and you'llget two *** Tubesfor the low price of 8.99.Tonya: Sure, it may workand everything,but it's also showing himthat he can stick his ***into things that are tubes.Judy: I wish I hadmy shotgun right now.announcer: Don't wait too long.Order your *** Tube today.Danny: It also does a great jobof preparing your kidsfor legallymandated urine testing.announcer: Does your cat seembored and listless ?You can perk her up prontowith a Kitty Wig.Rob: Do you hate your cat ?Then we've gotgood news for you.Bryan: I don't like that muchhair on my ***... cats.announcer: These fun and funnyprops are sure to enhanceplaytime with yourfavorite felines.Jaime: Perfect for people withtoo much timeand money on their hands.Mike T.: This isn't aninvention, by the way.This is just a smaller versionof a thing that exists.Daisy: Everyone shut up,just shut up.I'm legitimatelyinterested in this.man: We've been putting wigson 'em for years.Billy: And nobody calledthe ASPCA ?( cat meowing )Leif: People who dresstheir pets up.Stupid.Ted: I don't know,sometimes I like my catto look a little whorish.Loni: I think one of them catslook like me.announcer: Kitty Wigs putyour furry friendat the center of attention.woman: One of us would holdthe cat and the other one wouldsneak up from behindand put the wig on.Chelsea: Did you have tosneak up on your catto get that on there ?I wonder why the cat wouldn'tjust come to you and justwait for it.Mike T.: Cats would rather beturned into Chinese foodthan to do this.Todd: When I get out of this,I'm gonna scratch somebody'seyeballs out.man: They have their own dreamsthat just fitthat particular cat,and then when they put onthat Kitty Wig, their ownstories are played out.Mike B.: These are cats withwigs, dude.There is no story.announcer: Kitty Wigs areavailable ina wide array of stylesfor just $50 each.Kevin: For the same price,you can light $50 on fire.announcer: If your cat couldspeak, he'd say,"Don't leave meeee-owt !"Order today !John: And they workfor small dogs, too.Hey.What happened to your hair ?announcer: We all love homemadesoups and sauces,but who wants to standin front of the stovefor hours stirring ?Anthony: Hi, Anthony Sullivanhere for RoboStir.It stirs so you don't have to.Mike T.: Way to take all purposeout of a woman's life.John: I don't really care howlong she's got to stir it,as long as it's ready by 5:30.commentator: Hey !Anthony: The RoboStir drops intoany pot or pan.With the touch of a button, itautomatically starts to stir.Loni: I like stirringthe old-fashioned way.Using kids.Leif: Are you really that lazythat you need something to stiryour drink for you ?Oh, it's not foralcoholic beverages ?( bleep )Anthony: The secret'sthe orbital gyroscopic actionthat ensures no spot isunstirred or untouched.Kevin: This sauce is amazing,Marcy.What's your secret ?Robots ?Chuck: Dance for me !Dance, my little robot !Dance !Mike T.: This is how the robotstake over.It starts out light and funny.Next thing you know, robots withskeleton faces shooting lasers.Anthony: With the RoboStir,you finally have that third handin the kitchenso you can get two things doneat once.Brad: If I had a third hand,I sure as hell wouldn't bemaking soup.Anthony: It's battery-operatedand so sturdy it can stirfor up to four hoursand stand heat up to 572°.Jaime: It stirs for four hoursand then it gives up and shouts,"What the hell are you making ?"Anthony: RoboStir is greatfor gravy.Billy: Okay, I know the RoboStiris good for gravy,but-- but what aboutsoups and stews ?Anthony: Super forsoups and stews ?Billy: Beans ?Anthony: For beans,it's the best.Billy: Marinara ?Anthony: Mixed marinara.Billy: You gotta be kidding me.Anthony: The RoboStir keepseverything moving.It stirs so you don't have to.Order right now.Loni: If you double the offer,I might consider it.Anthony: And we'll doublethe offer.Just pay additional processingand handling.Judy: If you can't stir yourfood, then you might want toorder in.Get a pizza, you know ?announcer: In today'sfast-paced world, sources ofstress are everywhere.You could spend thousandson expensive massages,but now there's a better way.Introducing the Head Spa,the revolutionary and economicalnew head and neck massager.Brad: Uh, when you told me theproduct was Head Spa, this isso not what I had in mind.announcer: Head Spa pulsesand vibrates to stimulatemillions of nervesand soothe away headachesand neck cramps.John: I see somebody with thaton, stimulating my nerves.I'm gonna knock 'em out.Nick: Now, couldn't I just hirea nice 18-year-old girlto do that ?Do I really need a silly hat ?announcer: Just ten minutes withHead Spa every daywill help you achievea Zen-like state of bliss.Chuck: Turn it up, turn it up.Judy: Wow !Chelsea: Oh, this feelsso good !Mike T.: It feels like I havemy head in a paint mixer.Tonya: Making my nose tickle.Judy: Wow !Chris: Whoo.I feel like riding publictransportation.announcer: It's perfect forhome, the office...Brad: You could wearthis at work.If it's your last day.announcer: ... your commute,or anywhere you wanta little downtime.Kevin: You could even be sittingin your car and driving with it.The police won't agree,but you could do it.announcer: Head Spa's your's forjust 19.95plus shipping and handling.Order now.Chris: You'll feel so good aftera few minutes at this,you'll forget you're beinglaughed at.Brad: This is Head Spa !Tonight, we dine in hell !narrator: 19 smart inventionshave shown you how to changeyour life for the better...... but only one will blow yourworld to smithereens.( dog barking )Find out what it isright after this.announcer: Everyone is lookingfor ways to hide firearmsand extra ammothroughout their home.The challenge remains on how youshould go about doing that.With the FAST Holster, you canmount a gun just about anywhere,out of sight, literally in lessthan five minutes.Mike T.: Is it five minutes toapocalypse already ?announcer: How the FAST Holsterworks is very simple.It is a plastic-coated magnetthat is mounted onto yournightstand and end table.As you can see, the FAST Holsteris mounted under a desk.Nick: That's the invention ?A ( bleep ) magnet ?What a genius.announcer: Simply grab the gunoff the magnetand you are ready to go.Judy: Ready to go do what ?Kill someone ?Ted: This seems likea good product,but will it hold my *** ?announcer: You're done workingat your desk and you want torelax and watch TV.You can simply take your gunwith you, and then you place iton the FAST Holsteryou have mounted underthe coffee table.Tonya: Every American shouldhave a gun in every room.Chris: You got your hallway gun,you got your foyer gun.You got your attic gun,you got your front porch gun,you got your back porch gun.Gun, gun, gun, gun.Kill everybody.announcer: The gun is out ofsight, so if youhave any guests over,they won't have a clue thatthe gun is nearby.Nick: Let's say you'rehaving company,they won't leave.Ooh, I dropped something,excuse me.All right.Get the ( bleep ) out of here.My kid's got dance classtomorrow.announcer: If you're seriousabout self-preservation,the FAST Holster can be mountedin the shower area as well.Danny: That's exactlywhere I keep my gun, too.Right next to the conditioner.announcer: Take your gun withyou for quick access when you'rebathing or showering,or just taking care of business.Daisy: "Taking care ofbusiness."That's a euphemism.( blowing raspberry )Chris: Let me get this straight.This guy's willing to killsomeone while sittingon the toilet, but not willingto say the word "poop."announcer: To truly protect youand your loved ones,order your FAST Holster today.Mike T.: The FAST Holster makesmy life a lot easier.Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo !Kevin: You do not want tosee this.Loni: Cuchini !Chelsea: Ding !Rob: Yuck !Danny: Look, I'm a pirate.Brad: Ow !Jaime: Oh, no !Brad: Can I get a doctor ?Billy: It's gone mad !Chelsea: Can somebody spot me ?Frank: Push 'em back,push 'em back, way back !Judy: Hi !Rob: No more "boing."Now it's--Daisy: Meow !Nick: I swear by these things.( blowing raspberries )Jaime: That smells.Billy: Light a match.Judy: Giddy up !Brad: The toilet paper'stalking.Leif: Wipe again.Todd: What you talking about ?( laughing )Chuck: Nunchakus !Ouch.Nick: Finish it.Loni: Love it !Thank you, thank you.Rob: How do you live withyourself ?Billy: That's more like it.Danny: Am I actuallytalking to anyone ?Michael: Operators arestanding by.go ahead and call.